Three Weeks.

Once again, it has been far too long. I don't even know what all happened these past three weeks. It seems like they've been big ones.

The Vagina Monologues went well, kind of. I was pretty upset because I fucked up big time on Friday, which of course was the night that both my mother and my BF from high school rolled into to town to see me.
Sigh.

Other than that, though, it went well, and I'm glad I did it. I think it pushed me to say a lot of things (even on stage) that I might otherwise have been shy about. Also I'm like a feminazi now, holler. (Kate, you should be so proud, because, as you say, "The vadges got to me!")

We'll see how the Alternative Spring Break trip turns out, but as far as I can see, project: try everything once is going swimmingly.

I'm sending fundraising letters to people for St. Jude, and doing a terrible job. What's my deal? I think last year I sent like 40 and this year I have 20...I'm getting frustrated. If you know of anyone that may donate, please let me know.

Talked to Alex the other day. Drunk, but all the same. I feel very conflicted, because it's just so weird to be friends with him. It's not the feelings issue at all, it's just that, well, I don't know. It just feels weird. Maybe time will work on that?

We went to Penn Station together after the two hour drunken conversation, and the guy comes out with our subs and is holding them up and goes, "Chris and Alex?" It was weird to hear our names together like that again, it's been so long. But the lunch went fine, we talked about a lot of things that are kind of difficult for both of us to talk about. Like, for example, Nick. I never realized how difficult it was for him to deal with. I mean, obviously I knew it was hard, but ... I don't know. He always seemed like he was doing just fine. I guess that should show you how wrong we were for each other, but I just honestly had no idea. Maybe he was trying to be strong because he saw how terrible it was for me, and he didn't want to take away from that? I just wish I knew at the time how much I had been putting on him. I feel a little guilty about it, honestly. Was I being selfish? I don't know.

In other news, though, I think he agreed to go to formal (?). It was kind of like, "When is it? Okay." Okay...you'll go, or okay...okay, that's when it is, I get it? So, I mean, I don't want to press him, but I gotta find a date!

I drunkenly asked a Delt, but mostly for the joke of it--he was my archnemesis in high school. (That's right, folks, I asked Bo. We've come a long way since AHS.) He told me I was only asking him because I was drunk, which is way true, but he said if I asked him again, sober, then he would go with me. But I can't because Alex has to go, because he's got a chance of being Man of the Year. Weird. But in all honesty, he does deserve it. I mean, he plunged our toilets once. That was gross as all hell. When's the last time Garren was even IN this house? (I remember last year one of the pros for Alex was "I see Alex more often than I see Chris!")

I actually also asked Jon, but he can't go. And also that would be awkward, given that I told him I had feelings for him, and despite the fact that it went relatively well, he doesn't feel the same. I am going to visit him in DC in April sometime, and he made it clear that he still wants that to happen. Which will kick so much ass I can't even tell you--so many loves in such a small space (Gent, Lisa, and possibly Bailey by that point?!?).

Excerpts from the conversation with Jon:
"Yeah, I felt that moment, and it was one of those things where, you know, I might have kissed you if I were still here, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us." (God damn it, Jon. God. Damn. It. Why are you so reasonable? Be unreasonable. For the love of GOD, be unreasonable.)
"It's interesting to think about what might have been between us, or what may be, but it's just not right now."
"I always thought that you were cute."
"As far as you coming to visit, I still want you to. When I friend you, I friend you so hard. So remember that, when you hate my guts, I'm not going away." (No, Jon, you're not. And that is the problem.)
And, also, "I have feelings for someone else."

Oh, my life. But he's right, I'm not about to date him when he lives so far away and I still don't know where I'll be in 6 months. He's super cute though. And he just never goes away.

I am quite stressed out. I feel really behind as far as the job search goes. Don't most people know what they're doing by now? Where do I even begin? I'm at such a loss and kind of a mess.

The book agents still haven't gotten back to me, which is an implied no in most cases, so I'm kind of in a place where I don't know what to do. I can certainly keep writing letters, and I probably will, but I don't know if I believe that it's going to happen. I don't know, maybe it's just been a stressful week and I'll feel better later.

In other news, tomorrow is the first "real" rehearsal for TVM, and I'm a little freaked out. We're required to have our monologues memorized (which I do, kind of.) and perform them in front of the cast. That always freaks me out a bit, the first time I do things in front of others. Well, and there's the fact that I'm totally unprepared.

And the exam tomorrow. And the exam Thursday. And the paper due Thursday. And the illness. And, sigh, I don't know. What a week. Thursday cannot come quickly enough.

I just need to go to bed, but I need to study, and I don't really feel like I can focus at the moment.