Three Weeks.

Once again, it has been far too long. I don't even know what all happened these past three weeks. It seems like they've been big ones.

The Vagina Monologues went well, kind of. I was pretty upset because I fucked up big time on Friday, which of course was the night that both my mother and my BF from high school rolled into to town to see me.
Sigh.

Other than that, though, it went well, and I'm glad I did it. I think it pushed me to say a lot of things (even on stage) that I might otherwise have been shy about. Also I'm like a feminazi now, holler. (Kate, you should be so proud, because, as you say, "The vadges got to me!")

We'll see how the Alternative Spring Break trip turns out, but as far as I can see, project: try everything once is going swimmingly.

I'm sending fundraising letters to people for St. Jude, and doing a terrible job. What's my deal? I think last year I sent like 40 and this year I have 20...I'm getting frustrated. If you know of anyone that may donate, please let me know.

Talked to Alex the other day. Drunk, but all the same. I feel very conflicted, because it's just so weird to be friends with him. It's not the feelings issue at all, it's just that, well, I don't know. It just feels weird. Maybe time will work on that?

We went to Penn Station together after the two hour drunken conversation, and the guy comes out with our subs and is holding them up and goes, "Chris and Alex?" It was weird to hear our names together like that again, it's been so long. But the lunch went fine, we talked about a lot of things that are kind of difficult for both of us to talk about. Like, for example, Nick. I never realized how difficult it was for him to deal with. I mean, obviously I knew it was hard, but ... I don't know. He always seemed like he was doing just fine. I guess that should show you how wrong we were for each other, but I just honestly had no idea. Maybe he was trying to be strong because he saw how terrible it was for me, and he didn't want to take away from that? I just wish I knew at the time how much I had been putting on him. I feel a little guilty about it, honestly. Was I being selfish? I don't know.

In other news, though, I think he agreed to go to formal (?). It was kind of like, "When is it? Okay." Okay...you'll go, or okay...okay, that's when it is, I get it? So, I mean, I don't want to press him, but I gotta find a date!

I drunkenly asked a Delt, but mostly for the joke of it--he was my archnemesis in high school. (That's right, folks, I asked Bo. We've come a long way since AHS.) He told me I was only asking him because I was drunk, which is way true, but he said if I asked him again, sober, then he would go with me. But I can't because Alex has to go, because he's got a chance of being Man of the Year. Weird. But in all honesty, he does deserve it. I mean, he plunged our toilets once. That was gross as all hell. When's the last time Garren was even IN this house? (I remember last year one of the pros for Alex was "I see Alex more often than I see Chris!")

I actually also asked Jon, but he can't go. And also that would be awkward, given that I told him I had feelings for him, and despite the fact that it went relatively well, he doesn't feel the same. I am going to visit him in DC in April sometime, and he made it clear that he still wants that to happen. Which will kick so much ass I can't even tell you--so many loves in such a small space (Gent, Lisa, and possibly Bailey by that point?!?).

Excerpts from the conversation with Jon:
"Yeah, I felt that moment, and it was one of those things where, you know, I might have kissed you if I were still here, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us." (God damn it, Jon. God. Damn. It. Why are you so reasonable? Be unreasonable. For the love of GOD, be unreasonable.)
"It's interesting to think about what might have been between us, or what may be, but it's just not right now."
"I always thought that you were cute."
"As far as you coming to visit, I still want you to. When I friend you, I friend you so hard. So remember that, when you hate my guts, I'm not going away." (No, Jon, you're not. And that is the problem.)
And, also, "I have feelings for someone else."

Oh, my life. But he's right, I'm not about to date him when he lives so far away and I still don't know where I'll be in 6 months. He's super cute though. And he just never goes away.

So, I realize it's been a while since my last real update. I apologize.

I've been getting anxious about the job search thing. I joined LinkedIn, I did what I think I'm supposed to do, but I don't really know what it is that I want to do. That becomes sort of a problem when you're writing cover letters about what you want to do to companies for whom you are supposedly going to do it.

I am also getting excited and nervous about the book thing. I have interviews scheduled with the mayor of Athens as well as a woman who has lived there pretty much her entire life (except for about 3 years during law school). I don't know what to ask them, pretty much at all. I mean, I know what answers I want, or at least an idea of what I want to get out of those interviews, but I don't know where to begin on getting that.

The quarter is going pretty well, I have an amazing course with the one and only Professor McHale, and one pretty good one, and the other two are just okay. I can deal with that. Light workload at the very least(except for all the reading McHale assigned...but, so worth it).

Also, there's the Alex question. I don't even know where to begin on that, except to say that I think I'm done. I'm just not sure that the friendship adds any value to my life, and it may in fact be depleting value. Hard to say.

Follow-Up

We have our first cast meeting for the Vagina Monologues tomorrow. I don't know how this is going to go. Everyone I know that auditioned got it, so I feel less excited about making the cast. Maybe everyone I know is just really talented. Including me. Right.

When I said that Mechanic is married, I want to clarify. I suggested the auto shop to a sorority sister, and she went, and saw...a ring. I did not go up there and ask him out, so for those of you hoping for an incredibly hilarious story, I am sorry to disappoint.

Also, I have not been taking Lexapro (for those of you not in the know, it is my amazing anti-depressant. My happy pill. Whatever, I love it and am not ashamed of my depression) lately. By "lately" I mean "for a full month," largely because mom was under the impression that Kate and I were covered under Tim's insurance, and we ended up not being, so when dad's insurance lapsed, Kate and I were no longer covered. At all. Tim was told about a month ago that, basically, they are downsizing the building inspection department (due to 1.buildings not needing to be inspected, because 2.no one is building anything, and therefore 3.no one is buying permits, so 4.there is no source of income or way to pay the inspectors). In other words, if Tim keeps his job, he will get a pay cut.

So I've been reluctant to fill the prescription at full price because I know that it's a rough time for mom and Tim. Mom yelled at me for not filling it (I didn't really tell her my reasoning), but I still don't feel right about it.

That said, I finally got the prescription filled for mom's sake Sunday when I returned to Columbus and have been taking it since, but it takes a good two weeks to get back into my system. So, the two days that I have been on it are doing virtually no good. And this is a bad time to not have Lexapro. It's stress season around these parts, and I would like to lift a bit of the finals-induced anxiety.

Then, yesterday, I got a very vague email that I am going to be even vaguer about, and I am kind of freaking out. I know it will be fine, that I'm filling in the gaps with things that I shouldn't, but not having Lexapro is a major issue already with finals, and now this... Again, cognitively I know that it's going to be okay, but this isn't really a cognitive issue.

...And now, off to get hot apple cider with Alex, who seems to be deciding to text me lately.

I'm good.

So we had a "risk management" speaker tonight, which is usually a speaker about alcohol or stalking. We did have one once where we had the fire department come in and smoke out our house and we had to crawl through the living room. Tonight, though, this woman who was a Tri Delta talked about her daughter, an Alpha Chi Omega, who was raped and then committed suicide.

It was odd, because the woman was kind of funny. And you're hearing this terribly gory story and she reads this emotional poem her daughter wrote about rape, then she'd talk about something else, then she'd make a joke or something, and it was just incredibly unsettling. She was very good though, and I am glad I went.

Until the end, when she started talking about how about 40% of women who are raped have sex with their attacker again. And she asked, "Why might that be?" And there are a variety of answers, including, "Because a lot of times, rape occurs in a relationship." And I wanted to sink into my chair. I almost had a panic attack; I almost ran out of the auditorium, but I held it together as best I could. Which wasn't that well--I was visibly shaking but I'm not sure anyone noticed.

I guess it was appropriate, then, that I met Alex at Starbucks after (he also went to the speaker). He was the first person I ever told about my experiences in that relationship, and a large part of how I got over it. It's difficult to write about, knowing that my father (!) reads this, but it is what it is. I feel I have gone a long way to recover. If Tri Delta is the reason I got out of the situation, Alex is the reason I am still alive.

The speaker also talked about what it is that a friend in that situation should do, if someone tells them they've been sexually abused, and to a tee, he did that. I will always owe him that. And I cannot end a friendship that has already given me so much. So, while Kate makes an interesting point about the amount of effort I am putting in, and dad makes an interesting point about Cosmo magazine (?!?), I really am incapable of cutting this one out of my life.

Also, Alex texted me today (thank you, Patrick) about getting Brennen's (the local coffee shop, which ended up being closed). It was nice to see him. And talk to him, for real. It was also nice because he could tell the presentation we had both just come from shook me up a bit, and was willing to talk about it just enough to where I got it off my chest but I still avoided crying in public. You can't buy friends like that.

...even if you think that my sorority membership is "buying friends."

Candy, God, and Text Messaging

I went to church for the second time in all of my college career today. I mean, I go when I'm at home, but I haven't really gone since I've been here. It was nice, especially since lately I feel very off-center. I left feeling really great, but then I got home and stuff just got weird again.

Regardless, fun story from church:
At the beginning of the service, they have a youth message where all the kids come up and the youth pastor tells a Bible story. Today they were talking about King Solomon, and the pastor said, "And God said to Solomon, anything you need or want, all you have to do is ask!" (Gasping from the kids). "What would you ask for if you could ask for anything at all?" And this very young girl shouts, very loudly, "CANDY!!!!"

Amazing.

The thing I like about the Presbyterian Church is that they are so positive. Presbyterians don't harp about sin or Jesus dying. I know that this is a fundamental part of the Christian faith, but so is Jesus' life. And I feel like there is much more to learn from His life than from His death. And I like those lessons, and I feel like a lot of denominations spend more time talking about His death than His life, and miss out on a lot of good parts.

Today's sermon was entitled "Life Before Death," and was about how we should all celebrate our lives while we have the opportunity to live them. He encouraged us to make lists of 10 things we want to achieve before dying and how we should start today with the first of them. That's the Presbyterian Church to me. Celebrate life! Thank God!

That said, I had a very rough day. I'm texting Alex at the present moment telling him that I can't be in a friendship where I feel like he doesn't care. He told me not to take it personally, he's not the type to reach out to people. I know that, but is that my fault? Should I be responsible for maintaining that friendship when he's just "not the type" to call me first? It's like when people are like, "Oh, that's just the way she is..." and my response to that is, "Well, great, but does that mean I have to like her?" (Kim Prather circa 8th grade comes to mind).

I mean, don't get me wrong, I do like Alex and I would like to be friends with him, but I can't be friends with someone who functions in friendship the way that he does.

I hate rambling about Alex, I feel like it makes me sound pathetic.

Celebrate Life! Thank God!

Maybe Cosmo was right, accidentally

I went to Smith Hall on Mirror Lake Night to witness some of the chaos, and ran into Alex's little sister on the elevator. It was really hard seeing her, mostly because I thought for a very long time I would become a part of her family. I wanted that.

I have come to the realization that I can't be friends with him, not because I can't be friends with my ex-boyfriend (sorry dad, I just refuse to accept that answer), but because he is a terrible friend.

I sent him an email asking how his GRE went and how the fam is, and how life in general is going, and he sent back an incredibly awkward email. He doesn't call; I only ever see him or talk to him if I contact him first...It's exhausting. I just sort of feel like, you know, if you don't care enough to call me, what happens when I don't make the effort? What happens if I neglect to call you? Are we still friends, even if I haven't talked you in months? Would you let it get to that point?

Patrick thinks I just don't understand how Alex functions in friendship. It's not that I'm comparing our friendship to our relationship, it's that I'm comparing our friendship to my needs in a friendship. I need to feel like I'm not the only one that cares about the friendship at all.

The thing about it is, why am I maintaining this friendship anyway? I feel like he needs it more than I do, and yet...he just lets it go. For weeks. I'm not sure if that's a terrible thing to say, but seriously, in the city of Columbus alone, I live in a house with 40 girls, about half of whom call me on a regular basis, about 2/3 of whom know Alex well enough to know how devastated I am about the whole thing, and he has...Joe. So am I being condescending when I say he needs the friendship more than I do? Maybe. But maybe I should stop worrying about it anyway and just get some sleep.

I just don't like that my only other option with him is to cut him out of my life completely. Can't there be another answer? Like, you know, him calling me?

I mean...right?

I have turned into a waste of space, just for the record.

For the love, I am sitting here in the house (which doesn't have heat just yet...awesome) and not doing a list of assignments about a mile long. Also, it is a very dear friend's 21st tonight at midnight and I just may end up going out to buy her a booze. Totally unapologetically. (Don't worry too much daddy, I'm still doing just fine in school).

It's my senior year, right? Live it up. (And drink it down? Seriously.)

On a side note, I hung out with Alex most of the day today. It was kind of nice, but also kind of dissatisfying in that I wanted to hold his hand or kiss him and I know that he doesn't feel the same anymore. Ugh. But it is nice to talk to him because he understands me in a way that no one else really does; also, he doesn't roll his eyes when I tell him that I'm hanging out with him, unlike some of my sorority sisters.

Is it a bad idea to ask Alex to Tri Delta's Date Party? I feel like maybe it would have been fun, but Patrick tells me it would end in disaster. Hard to say, because now I've asked someone else. I did tell Alex that he absolutely must come to Formal next quarter and he did roll his eyes at that one. Oh, well, I'll break him down.

Is it even possible to be friends with this guy, with all the givens? I get mixed answers to that question, and I have a mixed feeling about my own answer. Parts of today were so natural, so platonic, but then we'd walk from one place to another and I just felt out of place. I don't know, I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all I suppose.

I'll figure out where to go from here, right?

I mean...right?

New Beginnings

I don't even know where to begin on new beginnings. I'm actually in a really weird place in my life right now, just having broken up with a boy I thought I was going to marry (and even made jokes about marrying before we dated), and beginning my senior year at The Ohio State University.

I guess I have concerns, like the fact that I'm not sure how people meet one another out of college. In college, there's Facebook and everyone has mutual friends (often linked through Facebook) where you can get a kind of "background check" on guys you meet randomly. I realize I sound like a crazy person and/or a Lifetime Original Movie character screaming "my biological clock is ticking!!!" but legitimately, how am I ever going to meet someone?

Also, how long before I stop crying randomly in the middle of the day, or when I get drunk in front of Thomas Nye (oh, God, what a disaster). Thomas is marrying my sister in about 6 months, and I am terrified that I will never have my own wedding. I hear myself saying this, and again, I feel unreasonable in a big way, but I can't help it. He's wonderful in a big way (again, he took care of me in Larry's, so major points) and I just don't know if I'll find my own Thomas Nye. How long before I even feel comfortable dating again? How long until I'm over this?

My other major concern at this point is that as I begin the end of my collegiate career, I think my major was maybe a poor choice. Everyone says it doesn't matter what your major is anymore, you can do anything, but then I turn around and everyone says that a Bachelor's Degree is the new GED. Should I be concerned about being under-prepared for the real world? Really?

That said, I finally got the nerve to call Kraig Kann, host of GOLF CHANNEL's Sprint Post-Game Show, among other things, and he basically told me he'd shop my resume for me around the place. He also gave me a list of people to whom I should send additional copies. He seemed really invested, which I feel is weird given that he has, like, a life and stuff. Regardless, it was probably the greatest 20 minutes of my life, and I may have peed my pants a little. Then about 5 minutes later he called me back and told me he wanted me to talk to someone else because "she may have a lot more insight to offer." Incredible, yeah? I talked to Kelly Miller for quite some time as well, and am excited to see where this goes.

Nonetheless, it is really difficult to write a cover letter when you don't know to whom you are writing and there's no specific position for which you are applying. Quite the assignment, no?

But I am getting more sure that the GOLF CHANNEL is where I want to be, despite the difficulties with media and job security. I try to tell myself that Alex had nothing to do with me not wanting to work there--and I legitimately do believe that--but the timing with the turn around does seem a little odd. When we got serious, I kind of abandoned that dream, though that coincided roughly with my internship at NBC-4 and the 14 firings they laid out on my last day. And now he's gone and I've decided that I want to go back, though this coincides roughly with my trip to the Ryder Cup and the restoration of my passion for the game of golf. Good GOD that was an amazing tournament. Plus Hunter Mahan went undefeated, gotta like that.

Well I have a giant midterm tomorrow that is stressing me out, so. Study time? (Much more likely? Bedtime)