November 08, 2009

So remember my happiness entry?

Everything I said in it was true.

Which makes this whole "I'm miserable" thing that much worse.

I broke up with Jon. Yes, he's the type of guy that blahblahblah all that stuff I said before was true, and I'm sure it will serve to make someone else happy, but he's just not the type of guy that would make me happy. So I'm single, I'm happy to have made the decision I did, and I'm trying to enjoy being 22. I think I have a date Friday? I'm unsure. The point is, Jon just wasn't right. And I feel like I noticed that before he did, but I think he'll notice it eventually, if he hasn't already.

I still love this city, and I still think of it as kind of magical, but I am concerned about rent. About groceries. About everything. I'm not sure I can get on my feet in a city where everything costs this much. I'm putting a lot more on my credit card than I ever have, and it makes me squeamish. And my college loan payments haven't started. I don't know how I am going to be able to do it.

And the internship has gotten worse. I hate it. I still like the idea of what I'm doing, and everyone says that's a good thing, except that it's not when the economy sucks bad enough to where you can't really be choosy. So it might be more advantageous to feel still at a loss as to what it is that I want to do so I could justify applying to every vacancy on a website that doesn't work, as admitted by the government itself. That said, if I could work anywhere on earth, my number one requirement would be that it NOT be where I currently am. They have made it very clear that I will not be returning, and have already extended an offer to one of the other interns to return. They clearly think I'm incompetent, which is so frustrating because I feel like I'm working my ass off for them. And they don't seem to think that I am intelligent at all, and one woman implied that I was a liar the other day. And I just feel so much like they don't know me at all. And they don't care to. And it just sucks.

I wrote that if I fall on my face, I have options. Which is true, except that I feel like I'm failing. And that's the worst feeling ever.

Anyway, I need to stop complaining. And start the process of getting ready for the week at this terrible terrible company I call mine at present.

I'm trying not to complain. As you can see, it's working wonders. Eff.

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