I don't know, it's been a really rough year, what with both my first and second funerals, and the mess that is my financial plan, and my lack of hope for future employment.
And I really just feel like I'm much closer to where I was a year ago than I'd like. I'm about to move home with my momma again, I'm working at the Honeybaked Ham again, I'm asking for money for Christmas again, I'm unable to buy gifts that I wanted to be able to buy for my family again. I feel pathetic, which is new.
I know it's not my fault and it's the economy and this is how everyone is and blah blah blah, but don't you understand that that is not what I want to hear right now? Everyone around me is all, "I'm not worried about you, you're really great," and it feels nice, it feels good, to hear that, but then it's also like, maybe you should be worried about me? Maybe you should have concerns about where I am in life, or what the hell I'm going to do next? Because I have those concerns. And it doesn't really matter what I'm capable of doing, because no one will look at my resume and why should they when there are people with real-world experience that are unemployed also? And I don't know anyone who can help me, which is what really matters, because my friends/people my age are also unemployed.
I don't know, I'm scared, and it's Christmas, and I feel very much like there's a lot of family asking me what I'm going to do next, and I feel like saying "pray real hard" isn't really an attractive answer. I'd really like to have an answer. Any answer, really, other than "well they're opening a Red Robin in Florence where I'm going to try to wait tables. I hope that this is a job I can actually get, but even that I'm holding my breath over."
In any case, it was a nice Christmas. Ender was his usual ridiculously cute self and everyone is having a grand time, reading, playing Sudoku, watching basketball, or otherwise ignoring one another. (We really do love one another, it's just that we are an unusually solitary family. That said, we have played several family games tonight, and it's been really wonderful.)
Pepsi, please.
And no, that was not a typo. Deal with it.
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