October 30, 2008

Postmodernism, Voter Pledges, and Hot Apple Cider

Today I did an extraordinary amount of nothing. Postmodernist authors, apparently, would call that "productivity," which is to be contrasted with very little amounts of nothing, which they might call "laziness."

...This is my way of reaching out. My English class makes me want to kill myself. I guess I'm too much a modernist to enjoy this course at all. I mean, in Gatsby, the God-forsaken green light meant something. I like that. I like trying to figure out where all the pieces fit and why everything was written just so, as opposed to some alternate way, and why the character's name is what it is, because the author couldn't possibly have just named him George to name him George, it all means something!

(Yes, I realize I just made fun of my entire life philosophy and everything I as an English major stand for in writing that. I also realize that my life is a joke, which I think is the one thing that makes me marketable in the real world.)

Aside from reading nonsensical rants by authors considered geniuses by the literarily "enlightened," I am dedicating way too much time to OSU Votes. Today I stood outside for two hours asking people to sign pledges saying that they will vote. I obtained a total of 17 pledges. This, sadly, was more than the other two girls with whom I was standing outside in the cold weather, sans gloves. Yay Ohio, it's supposed to be 60+ on Friday.

But seriously, 17 pledges in 2 hours? If I didn't know these OSU Votes people, and I wasn't being harassed with phone calls on the regular, I would tell myself this is entirely ridiculous.

Fun facts: people that sign pledges to vote are 10% more likely to do so. If a person they know contacts them about voting, they are 15% more likely to vote.*

After learning that exciting bit of information, I went home and very nearly just went to bed. This is more exhausting than reading Italo Calvino's If on a winter's night a traveler, which, I kid you not, starts with the sentence "You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a traveler." I couldn't make this shit up. Fucking meta-fiction.

(The back says Italo Calvino "...shows that the novel is capable of endless mutations." Is that even desirable?)

So this is why my life is what it is. Plus the heat isn't on in the house yet, because we have boiler system and we have to have some guy who knows about boiler systems come out and turn the boiler system on. The other fun thing about the boiler system is that once a boiler system is turned on, the heat is on. Forever. Well, until you pay that same some guy who knows about boiler systems to come out again and turn the boiler system back off. So... since the appointment for the some guy to come turn our boiler system on is set for tomorrow, when it is 60+ on Friday, our lovely and wonderful boiler system will still be running, heating our lovely and wonderful house.

Regardless, it's cold now and I'm typing this in gloves, which leads to about 8,000 typos a minute, thus increasing my typing time (along with decreasing the likelihood that I will ever read Italo Calvino's If on a winter's night a traveler). I'm also fighting drafty windows and a lack of heat by drinking an average of one Hot Apple Cider a day, depleting my funds but making me very happy. When I say "an average of," what I actually mean is "at least." It's not a cheap addiction, but at least it doesn't cause any (known) long-term effects.

On a side note, we have a Field Consultant from Tri Delta's executive office coming this weekend. That's right folks, we're going to be judged on a whole host of criterion, including but not limited to hospitality and sisterhood, on one of the biggest drinking weekends of the year. Couldn't she have come for Michigan weekend? (Totally kidding, I think.) At least by then the heat will be on (or at least I hope so; otherwise I'm moving out).

We also have a girl in from the University of Alabama staying at our chapter house while she volunteers for John McCain. Yeeeeeesh. You're staying in a house full of women while you volunteer for a man that voted against the Ledbetter Fair Pay Act?

At least she's a nice girl. At Alabama, they have TG's twice a week(!). We asked, "every week?" and she goes, "well, sometimes we don't have one on Tuesday, but for sure every Thursday." These people also go to school. Not that I personally don't drink twice a week, but TG's twice a week? Are these girls passing their classes?

*This is the kind of thing they say to me to guilt me into freezing my ass off for a total of 17 pledges. When I asked one girl if she had voted yet, and she said "no, but I'm going to," I asked her to sign the pledge and she asked, "Why?!" God damn it.

P.S. Kate--because of the frequency of TG's at Alabama, they have sweet themes, like 00Delta, where they dressed like Bond and Bond girls, and War and Peace, where they dressed like Army Guys and nurses. Just makes you wish you were a Tri-D at 'Bama, doesn't it? Go ahead and put on your radical feminist hat and tell me about how you won't pierce your baby's ears, I'm ready for it.

For those of you that have never met Kate, she once described herself in an email as "your feminazi bonerkiller sister." (G-search that one, Kate, I think you'll be proud of yourself.)


Kate said...

1. I will not pierce my baby's ears.
2. As I recall, the email that I signed that way was asking you to call Senator Voinovich about the Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.
3. Do you seriously believe those themes are better, or are you being facetious? Sometimes with you sorority girls it's hard to tell how much feminist theory you need an educatin' on.

Chris Dennis said...

It was a joke, Kate. No worries, I won't pierce my baby's ears either.